A gay man who is attracted to women is confused about his sexuality. Mariella Frostrup tells him to relax and find out what works best for him
The dilemma I have known I was gay since I was a boy, but recently I have started having sexual feelings for women that I've spent a lot of time with at university. I went to a single-sex school and have never really had any female friends. I wonder if this might have contributed to my belief that I was gay. Ever since spending time with these women I haven't had as strong feelings for men and for the first time find myself fantasising about these women. Can one's sexuality change in such a short time? Is this normal?
Mariella replies What's normal? So much of our behaviour is conditioned by our formative experiences and later circumstances that it's hard to separate what we started out feeling and what developed along the way. I've known parents announce their child is gay at the age of three and others remain blind to their children's sexuality through adulthood. I've seen girls evolve from Barbie-addicted pink princesses to tattoo-covered teenagers with multiple piercings. As for boys, if I had a pound for every show-tune lover in short pants who turned into a heterosexual school rugby captain I'd eat at Nobu every night and still have change.
After a decade of my mailbag, there are few surprises left in the terrain of the human heart. Uncovering digressions from what we perceive to be "the norm" is what makes opening my inbox a weekly treat. As a species we are definitely not set in our ways. Furthermore, as soon as any of us becomes complacent about the status quo, along comes a life event to test our incredulity.
You say you've always known you were gay, but the circumstances you describe won't have given you much opportunity to test the alternatives. It's long been my theory that in secondary education single-sex schools are great for girls, for whom boys are a distraction, and terrible for boys who afterwards take years to reconcile themselves to women as friends and equals. Just look at Boris Johnson if you want a prime example.
My feeling is that an absolutist position on sexuality isn't strictly necessary, and certainly not until you are well into adulthood. Society may file its inhabitants into neatly labelled boxes, but one of our most interesting qualities is our ability to shape shift. Some argue that life is complicated enough without leaving our sexuality open to interpretation. For others it's the most predictable of their impulses and, unchallenged by fate, whole lives can be played out devoid of deviation from their chosen normality.
You don't have to try the physical act with both sexes to know for sure what you prefer, but the opposite of what you believe to be your natural proclivity is potentially a pleasant surprise. Like passion itself, your sexual predilection may seem overpowering – until it passes and something else takes your fancy. I'm not saying all heterosexuals are actually bisexual, but I certainly think most of us are capable of an equally profound sexual experience in a same-sex liaison. What you ultimately choose – if you do choose – should surely be the person who feels right, not the person boasting the correct genitalia?
Happily most of us are more than the sum of those basic parts. Who we have sex with, how we like our sex and who we fantasise about when the lights are off are frequently mysteries even to those closest to us. In many cases we're estranged from our desires ourselves, self-delusion being as powerful an impulse as any other.
As citizens of a "civilised" society we try to give our brains and not our physical desires control over our actions. The alternative – a frenzy of bacchanalian cavorting with whoever takes our fancy – is exactly what monotheistic religion was invented to avoid. Visiting the British Museum's Pompeii exhibition with my kids this week, predictably, what they were most interested in was the licentious behaviour exalted in much ancient Roman art and iconography.
We are certainly a less carnally indulgent culture. But conclusively partnering with one sex or another has obvious flaws when examined in depth. What you're confronting is the true nature of human sexuality, a state of flux that's dependent on nurture, fate, circumstance and character. I suggest you try not to hurt anyone in the process, but relax and enjoy finding out what works for you.
If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk. To have your say on this week's column, go to guardian.co.uk/dearmariella. Follow Mariella on Twitter @mariellaf1